1.0. Speed Dating up to Eleven 
Leslie: Hello, and welcome to this disaster which is called… my life. I’d better start from the beginning and tell you about my harrowing childhood, my dark and troubled past and the rainy and cold trip I took from my birthplace to my new life in Riverview…
Louise: Actually, if you could just skip that, I’d appreciate it.
Leslie: Huh? Who’s there? Are you…
The Watcher?
Louise: I prefer Louise, actually. I’ve tried being sort of like a deity before and I’m just telling you: never ends well. I remember the last time, when I ran out of avocados and the crickets were absolutely
mental because I promised them this loaf of bread but-
Leslie: …
Louise: Yeah, never mind. It was a
long Tuesday. But I’m Louise, and I’ll be the weird, semi-coherent voice doing snarky commentary in your head. Now, why don’t you tell us why you’re here in Riverview. Why did you leave your home?
Leslie: Actually, uh… it’s not important. I’m off to find a job.
Louise: Wait, but before you were all ready to tell us about your dark and troubled past and now…?
Leslie: Yes, well, that’s different. You’re asking me to talk about the eh… the… [mumblemumble]
Louise: What was that?
Leslie: The eh… [mumblemumblemumble]
Louise: The ‘Flowerpot Incident’? What’s that?
Leslie: NOTHING. Nothing. Why don’t I tell you all about myself while I go get a job with the military.
Louise: Military, eh?
Leslie: Yes, quite. I’m going to be an astronaut, I’ll have you know.
Louise: You want them to send you into space? What could possibly go wrong…
Leslie: Excuse me! If you will, I’ll just go on. Well, about me… my name is Leslie Hollander, I’ve just moved here for…
unspecified reasons and I’ve had a hard, gruelling life up until now. I’m an orphan and I grew up with heartless relatives and with hardly a penny to my name, I set out all on my lonesome to find my fortune in this cold, lonely place without friends or loved ones, and-
Louise: Oh brother… As you might be able to tell, Leslie is a wee bit
Dramatic. She’s also a
Schmoozer,
Excitable,
Handy, and
Athletic. She wants to be an astronaut, though I question the sense of anyone who’s willing to send her into space.
Leslie: Rude! I was in the middle of telling you about myself!
Louise: *Rolls eyes* Go on.
Leslie: No, now you’ve put me off. I’ll just go join the military and become a fabulous astronaut. You’re just
jealous.
Louise: … I’ve got nothing.
*A little while later*
Leslie: There, done and done. I’m an astronaut now.
Louise: You most certainly are not.
Leslie: Very well, I’m a Latrine Cleaner, but I’m very close to reaching the top, I’ll have you know! And now I’m off to exercise so that I can become a master at my job.
Louise: Good luck with that.
Louise: Ah, nice, the gym, now you just need to… Hey, are those floaty hearts of attraction I see there?
Leslie: Oh eh… Yes, yes they are. I seem to be wildly attracted to my boss, Sherman Bagley. Who’s here. And attractive. To me.
Louise: Ooooh, you go for it, girl.
Louise: He’s not so bad after a make-over… Even if… he’s sort of… staring into my soul. I think he’s trying to pull off the smoulder. Anyway eh… go for it. Talk to him!
Leslie: Ah, well, why not…
Leslie: Hello, boss, and what absolutely ravishing weather today. Such a day to be poor and alone in the world...
Louise: Where did that come from?
Leslie: I’m trying to gain his sympathy by telling him of my dark and troubled past.
Louise: Yeah, because that’s gonna wo-
Sherman: I love you so much.
Louise: Huh, well I’ll be…
Leslie: All right – time for plan B!
Leslie: *Fakes fainting*
Louise: … What.
Sherman: Do all women do this?
Louise: No, Sherman. No, they don’t.
Leslie: *Whispering* Shush, he’s supposed to carry me home and nurse me back to health!
Louise: …
Leslie: I’m not feeling very nursed back to health, why… He left?!
Leslie: Fine! We’ll go for plan B!
Louise: I thought you fainting was plan B?
Leslie: Hey, Sherman Forest, let’s have a chat, shall we?
Sherman: My name isn’t Forest. It’s Bagley, actually.
Leslie: Sure, sure, now, flirt with me!
Louise: Leslie, did you try to make a punny nickname for him? That was a horrible pun, you know that?
Leslie: I can’t hear you over the sound of how hard I’m flirting with Sherman Forest.
Sherman: She’s flirting with me. Okay, becoolbecoolbecool… Just… flirt with her.
Sherman: Um, so, what’s a lovely place like this doing in a girl like you?
Leslie: Teehee…!
Sherman: And um, you’re the gorgeousest girl ever.
Louise: I think he’s trying to eradicate grammar.
Leslie: Shush, he’s talking about me, so grammar is irrelevant.
Louise: Well, I guess it’s good that you’re getting along, seeing as this is a legacy and-
Louise: Wow, okay. Gives a new meaning to the term ‘speed dating’.
Leslie: I think we ought to live happily ever after!
Louise: After a grand total of five lines spoken to each other… of which about half weren’t even slightly coherent? Seems legit to me.
Leslie: Hush, you don’t know true love and how we fight to stay together despite societal pressure and a job that threatens to tear us apart…
Louise: … right.
Leslie: He’s my boyfriend now and you can’t stop our love!
Sherman: So. Lovely.
Louise: You okay, Sherman? You look… well, insane. Hey, Leslie, maybe you should just talk to the poor guy to make sure he isn’t-
Leslie: No time! Gotta work out!
Louise: Ah, okay then. Well, I guess we’ll just leave you here for…
Sherman: Oh my god.
Louise: Sherman what are you…?
Sherman: I love.
Sherman: Her.
Sherman: So much.
Louise: Oh dear…
Author's note: Well, here we go. This was really fun writing. Looking forward to doing some more, so I hope y'all enjoy it 
