Author Topic: Feedback please on potential stories  (Read 1643 times)

Offline jd163503

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Feedback please on potential stories
« on: April 10, 2013, 09:39:29 PM »
Hello everyone! I need some help and I'm hoping y'all could give it to me. I'm think of writing three sims stories that tie directly into each other.  heres a very rough summary of each one. Story one is called the military wife and its about a young woman and her life with her up and coming military husband whose wish is to become an astronaut. Months after he does he is sent on a mission to a distant planet named lunar lakes. Just after lift off the rocket ship (or whatever its called) explodes killing everyone on board. Devastated she plans his funeral. months pass and she realized that their house is much too big for her and her daughter so she puts it up on the wanted ads looking for a tenet for her apartment/ house. Story two is called the master romancer and its about a young hot  womanizer who breaks all the ladies hearts...until he meets his match. They marry and after three years and the wife suddenly leaves him and their child alone wanting a change of scenery but not having much money he decides to look into renting a room. Every place he looked was all wrong just when he was about to give up a friend told him about illiana ( the military wife) . It was perfect and the owner was... beautiful nice and his son had someone to play with! Story three is the tale of their lives together. Soooo what do ya think? Good? Bad Questions?

Offline Gwendy

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Re: Feedback please on potential stories
« Reply #1 on: April 10, 2013, 11:53:24 PM »
I don't think that this is the right board for this. I think you just want the "Share Your Sims Stories and Projects" main board, which does have a lot of tips for writers. This is just for the stories themselves. Maybe ask one of the mods to move it over for you?

For Feedback though, I'm going to say to make sure that you have enough strong conflict to carry the story. Like in your first story, I know that it's just a broad summary, but to me, it looks like that things are going great until the husband dies at the end. I could very well be wrong though, and you do have a lot of conflict planned, like maybe the female protagonist resents her husband because she had to move away from her friends and family and he's too busy training and spends less time with her than she needs, or maybe she's staying with her family (parents, siblings, cousins, etc) while her husband's working to become an astronaut, and maybe her family's worried that he's failing at being a good husband and that she should divorce him, and she's starting to wonder if they're right. Point is, you need an ongoing problem that's only resolved at the end of the story. And provide forshadowing that the shuttle is going to explode, or at least that something horribly bad is going to happen, otherwise it can just come off as emotional manipulation.

And another tip is to make them sound and act like real characters, since your story ideas are very character driven. Try to steer clear of having characters do things just for the sake of being evil, mean, good, etc. Give them goals that they want to achieve, motives that they have, memories, likes, dislikes, etc. Give them layers. Even any villains you have. For example, don't just have the guy's wife in the second story take off for a change of scenery because she's a horrible, awful person and leave it at that. Give her a valid reason for wanting to leave. She can still be a cold, horrible person, but she'll be more rounded and realistic.
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Offline Twinmum

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Re: Feedback please on potential stories
« Reply #2 on: April 11, 2013, 12:52:19 AM »
I'll move this to the general Share Your Stories board. That's probably the best spot for it (I think lol)
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Offline jd163503

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Re: Feedback please on potential stories
« Reply #3 on: April 11, 2013, 10:17:06 PM »
I don't think that this is the right board for this. I think you just want the "Share Your Sims Stories and Projects" main board, which does have a lot of tips for writers. This is just for the stories themselves. Maybe ask one of the mods to move it over for you?

For Feedback though, I'm going to say to make sure that you have enough strong conflict to carry the story. Like in your first story, I know that it's just a broad summary, but to me, it looks like that things are going great until the husband dies at the end. I could very well be wrong though, and you do have a lot of conflict planned, like maybe the female protagonist resents her husband because she had to move away from her friends and family and he's too busy training and spends less time with her than she needs, or maybe she's staying with her family (parents, siblings, cousins, etc) while her husband's working to become an astronaut, and maybe her family's worried that he's failing at being a good husband and that she should divorce him, and she's starting to wonder if they're right. Point is, you need an ongoing problem that's only resolved at the end of the story. And provide forshadowing that the shuttle is going to explode, or at least that something horribly bad is going to happen, otherwise it can just come off as emotional manipulation.

And another tip is to make them sound and act like real characters, since your story ideas are very character driven. Try to steer clear of having characters do things just for the sake of being evil, mean, good, etc. Give them goals that they want to achieve, motives that they have, memories, likes, dislikes, etc. Give them layers. Even any villains you have. For example, don't just have the guy's wife in the second story take off for a change of scenery because she's a horrible, awful person and leave it at that. Give her a valid reason for wanting to leave. She can still be a cold, horrible person, but she'll be more rounded and realistic.

Thank you for the advice! In the first story the wife does slowly began to resent or fall out of love with her husband and she's lonely and because of that she moves her best friends in to kinda fill the void. I'm not too sure how to do the foreshadowing so if you can may I ask for your help perhaps?  The second story the wife leaves because she is bored of the life they're living. She wants to go back to the life she used to have. And she hates being mother as well. (In fact the child overhears this. And he becomes mute and unresponsive due to the trauma.) 

Offline Gwendy

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Re: Feedback please on potential stories
« Reply #4 on: April 11, 2013, 11:18:08 PM »
Thank you for the advice! In the first story the wife does slowly began to resent or fall out of love with her husband and she's lonely and because of that she moves her best friends in to kinda fill the void. I'm not too sure how to do the foreshadowing so if you can may I ask for your help perhaps?  The second story the wife leaves because she is bored of the life they're living. She wants to go back to the life she used to have. And she hates being mother as well. (In fact the child overhears this. And he becomes mute and unresponsive due to the trauma.)
Foreshadowing works best when it's subtle, but easy to spot on a second read-through, and is actually easier to put in after you've finished your first draft. It's sometimes even referred to "backwriting." I think having a child's toy space ship break would be a bit much, but maybe you could slip dialogue in about events that would cause the shuttle to explode later on. Like one of the characters reading a newspaper saying that there's a steel shortage, budget cuts, the rival country is getting very close to launching their space shuttle to Lunar Lakes and your protagonist's country is doing everything to launch theirs first, you could have your characters watch the movie Apollo 13, even (although it would probably be a bit too obvious if you lingered on it too long). Here's a link to a description and some examples in media.

And your second story actually sounds like an interesting deconstruction of the chick flick genre, particularly the ones that have that whole, "Man vs Career" conflict (*gag gag*). I am going to say that the child becoming mute and unresponsive sounds like a bit much, though, unless the mother was full out abusing him. If I were you, I'd do research on trauma in children in regards to abuse and abandonment, as well as Postpartum Depression, which can cause a mother to resent her child.
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Offline jd163503

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Re: Feedback please on potential stories
« Reply #5 on: April 12, 2013, 02:20:10 AM »
Hmm...Well Thank You very much for your feedback. I've decided not to do them. Again thank you.

Offline Gwendy

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Re: Feedback please on potential stories
« Reply #6 on: April 12, 2013, 05:25:20 AM »
Hmm...Well Thank You very much for your feedback. I've decided not to do them. Again thank you.
Really? Might I ask why? They did have potential.

And you're welcome. I hope that the stories you do write go better for you.
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Offline jd163503

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Re: Feedback please on potential stories
« Reply #7 on: April 12, 2013, 05:04:25 PM »
Because i had came up with this for the beginning. (its my go at foreshadowing as well)..... she stares at the screen... as if was she wasn't entirely  there. My husband... hes...gone...she says says as she slowly drops to her knees and starts to wail. How could this have happened?! Why watcher? Why me? Our lives were going to get better... or something like that. But then I realized I don't know how to take good enough screenshots.

Offline saltpastillen

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Re: Feedback please on potential stories
« Reply #8 on: April 12, 2013, 05:17:57 PM »
But then I realized I don't know how to take good enough screenshots.

The trick to taking better screenshots is trying and experimenting. I didn't take good once before, but after reading a lot of tips and looking at people I admire I came up with something that works for me.

I think you are maybe suffering from the "I'm not perfect and therefor I shouldn't do it" syndrome. Well, the great thing about this forum is that we don't expect each other to be perfect, we just want to share our stories and give constructive criticism if the author wants it. I know it can be hard to overcome, since I had the same problem myself before posting.

Hope you decide to share a story with us soon.

Offline jd163503

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Re: Feedback please on potential stories
« Reply #9 on: April 13, 2013, 02:08:57 AM »

I think you are maybe suffering from the "I'm not perfect and therefor I shouldn't do it" syndrome.

Actually you're right. I think I'll make a pre-story and whatever and practice the screenshots like that. And if anyone could tell me how to take screenshots during CAS that would be great :3

Offline Twinmum

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Re: Feedback please on potential stories
« Reply #10 on: April 13, 2013, 02:11:14 AM »
Take screenshots in CAS the same way you do in game, just hit the 'C' button. The interface does not show up on these shots, so don't worry that it's covering the mirror, it won't be there in the screenshot.
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Offline Gwendy

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Re: Feedback please on potential stories
« Reply #11 on: April 15, 2013, 06:13:41 AM »
And remember, the Tab button is your best friend when taking screenshots. Can't wait to see what you write up!
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Offline Swirl-Girl

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Re: Feedback please on potential stories
« Reply #12 on: May 13, 2013, 06:33:34 PM »
This sounds wonderfully interesting, feel free to PM me! I'll be sure to read these!

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